Fantastic Four

Buying the Arba Minim

The time has come. You've put it off as long as possible, because you hope the price will go down, but also because, let's face it, you have no idea what to buy and how much it's worth. And since Sukkos is a time of thenks, this year you will be able to thank Hashem that Bitter was able to give you the scoop, allowing you to saunter into your local esrog dealer, banter like a pro, look condescendingly at other people's choices , and waltz out with a set that is the envy of the entire town.

Here's the trick: Just do it! Saunter, banter, condescend and waltz with confidence, and no one will ever know that you know nothing about the Arba Minim. Nobody has any clue, except the dealer, and on rare occasions, the rabbi, so it's all about the confidence you project.

In order to banter though, you will need to remember the word "bletel" for esrogim, "knepel" for lulavim, and "meshulash" for hadassim. You don't need to know what they mean.

But what about me? you're thinking. What about getting a good set at a good price that will actually accomplish what I set out to do, namely, fulfill the mitzva of Arba Minim?

Don't fret. I'll tell you all you need to know.

First of all, the length of your lulav must be at least 4 tefachim, or about 16 inches. There is no truth at all to the rumors about men with big lulavim, so find a size you feel comfortable with.

There is no such thing as a three hundred dollar esrog. What there are, are three hundred dollar customers. If you spend more than about $150, you're bound to end up with a lemon. If an esrog looks nice to you, and you cannot find any blemishes on it at all, even with the aid of the electron microscope that you were luckily able to borrow and bring along to the dealer, it may be worth purchasing. If you think there may be a blemish, bring it to a rov to check if it's red or larger than a penny.
Some brands to look for when buying an esrog: Chazon Ish, Kivelevitch, Badatz. Some brands to avoid: Murkav (especially Vadai or Zicher Murkav), and Big Jim's House of Shrimp and Esrogim.

Haddassim are supposed to have sets of three leaves, covering as much stem as possible. Thinking about the leaves on your haddassim too much is a common form of OCD in the charedi community.

Based on common practice, Aravos are kosher in any state of decay, as long as you think that they may once have been a species of plant.

Next year, there will be a bit of a twist in the Arba Minim field, because it is shemitta, the year of resting the land in Israel. In fact, there is a campaign on wherein the charedi community, through outreach and aid, encourages country Jews to honor the torah laws of shemitta, and not work, just like their city cousins.

This affects the esrog market, since the torah law also prohibits any commercial activity with the fruit of shemitta. That means two things:
1. In Israel, you'll be able to pick any esrog, free.
2. Anywhere else, you will not be able to buy an esrog.
This law is dealt with in a variety of ways. There are a few heterim, such as the "heter mechira" ('selling' the land for the year) which you better not mention to charedim. Other heterim including buying the lulav and having the esrog thrown in, trading the esrog for a player to be named later, and the fact that Big Jim is not Jewish and is allowed to buy and sell esrogim. (although he still needs a hechsher for the internet if he wants to send his kids to Tiferes Daniel.)

The last thing that's worth mentioning, though it doesn't deserve a post of its own, is that you needn't use a machzor on Sukkos. One of the best kept secrets in the machzor-publishing world is that there should really only be two, for Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur, but five "makes a much nicer set, and provides many dedication opportunities" according to an anonymous industry insider. Using a machzor on Sukkos marks you immediately as an out of towner at least, and likely the guy who used to bring catching gear to his softball games in fifth grade, and then strike out five times.

Sukkos Primer

It's Here!

Well, that joyous time of year is finally upon us! After bowing on our faces countless times, starving through an entire day of prayer, and fighting through hordes of people saying Kiddush Levana with lots of kavana, it's time for the happiest of Jewish holidays, Sukkos!
There are a few great mitzvos that make Sukkos the one of a kind holiday that it is. Just to introduce them, I've prepared this handy guide for beginners, (ameratzim) that will, without judging or condescending, spoon feed you the basics.
The first mitzva that comes to mind on Sukkos, is of course, the Sukka. It's a small, leaky, hut, or "tabernacle" according to Soncino, that we build outside our houses, to ensure that the season will be rainy. "If you can't convince G-d, appeal to his sense of irony", is the logic behind many mitzvos and segulos.
Building the Sukka
There are many practical tips that will help you build your sukka and keep it standing for the entire holiday, as well as many interesting family customs that have sprung up over the years as many generations have endeavored to do this mitzva with their own unique flavor.
I recommend finding a bit of flat elevated ground, as close to your kitchen as possible. If you have a porch without a covering, that can be a great place to build it. Otherwise, a patio or a bit of flat grass will do just fine.
In my own family, we have the unique custom to begin building our steel-pipe-framed canvas sukka on our patio during Aseres Yemei Teshuva. We take stock of the various pieces, note what we need, and begin construction. Then, the day after Yom Kippur, we give up, and head to my in-laws for the holiday.
There are many different materials that can work for the walls of your sukka. According to the mishna, you can use anything at all, though later elucidation seems to preclude some materials, such as pork and canvas. Many people have used wood for generations, and it's still the most popular material.
Lately however, modern innovation has led to the development of pop-up sukkas, as well as easy to construct sukkas of other varieties.
Themes are making an entry now as well, with the Kotel-themed sukka, canvas printed with the iconic stones of the Wailing Wall, (For a small charge, you can hire an arab woman to collect tzedaka at the door); The Vegas themed sukka, with prints of the strip skyline and the motto of the Chabad Simchas Beis Hashoeva (What happens on Sukkos stays on Sukkos); and the Elvis themed Sukka, which plays the classic "Blue Suede Esrog Box" when you open the shlock.
Non-Jewish Reaction
Those of you who live in predominantly non-Jewish neighborhoods will understand how hard it can be to explain to your neighbors what you are doing as you build. One great idea is to simply explain that G-d is bringing a great flood on the world because of its many sins, and they had better repent, or face the risk of drowning. (Ha ha, just a little charedi humor)
Many kiruv professionals suggest that you simply explain to them in English what it is you are doing. I have tried this many times, and often, after I explain that I am building a Tabernacle, the gentile will pull out a knife and demand to be circumcised immediately.
The S'chach
For the roof of your sukka, you need to use something that grows from the ground, so any sort of tree, shoot or bush will be fine. Many jews have the custom of enhancing the beauty of their sukka by using the neighbors' corkscrew shaped shrubbery, though we suggest you ask their permission first, unless they are out of town.
Decorations
It is customary to decorate the Sukka in a beautiful manner. Traditionally this requires at the very least: A sign on the door that says "Welcome", hanging by one corner; Pictures of anonymous old men with long beards; and pictures of anonymous young men with long beards examining the four species. Which is a perfect segue to:

The Four Species: Coming Next!

Dumb Jews

I know that calling a post "Dumb Jews" is not the nicest thing to do, as any Dumb Jew will tell you, "During Aseres Yemei Teshuva".
I was meaning to just write a review of the new Michoel Pruzansky album, which I am listening to on Itunes (a program clearly created by dumb goyim). But in addition to the few nice things I have to say about it, there are a number of negatives, which apply to many of us, not just Michoel Pruzansky. So I'm going to point out the positives, and then hit us all with the complaining.
1. His voice tells us that thankfully, the weenie era of jewish music is over. He has a man's voice and is not afraid to use it.
2. The music is good. It's a little more innovative than the average jewish album has been lately. It gets a little funkier than let's say, Yisroel Williger, which is a development we've all been waiting for.

Now I'll complain. Why, oh why, does it seem that the only way to succeed in our world (the world of me and you and a few people we know) is to completely dumb down everything to the point where it's appropriate for 3rd graders?
Here are the lyrics to his first song.
"Im ani oseh mitzva ani koneh olam habah."
Roughly translated, "Me do good deed. Me get reward!"
Then comes "Shteig" which begins with a possuk in tehillim about torah, then has the following lyrics, (translated) "Growing in torah more and more, learning torah more and more.
More caveman eligible simplicity. Is there anyone out there who can express an emotion more subtle than GOOOD! (grunt) or BBBAADDDD! (whine)?
One gets the feeling that if one did have such a novel thought it would immediately be banned. Like Avraham Frieds "Father Don't Cry", which seemd to typify the "BAAAAAD (whine) genre, except that it said something like "why, oh why?" which is kefira.
Anyway, I've plagiarized and adapted this little ditty to give a little spice to the Jewish music world. Feel free to record it and put it on your next jewish album to be distributed at better jewish music rentals and leases everywhere.
The musical arrangements for this are freely available on websites everywhere. I just ask that you give credit to whomever it was that composed it. (The vocals are arranged to be sung by a person and a diety)
(person)
It's hard to believe That I couldn't see
You were always there Beside me
Thought I was alone With no one to hold But you were always Right beside me
[Together:]
This feeling's like no other
I want you to know
(person)
I've never prayed to someone
That knows me like you do
The way you do
I've never worshipped someone
As good for me as you
No one like you

So lonely before I finally found
What I've been looking for
[Hashem]
So good to be seen So good to be heard
[Together:]
Don't have to say a word
[person]
For so long i was lost So good to be found
[Together:]
I'm lovin' havin' you around
[Hashem]
This feeling's like no other
[Together:]
I want you to know
[hashem]
I've never had someone
That knows me like you do The way you do
I've never had someone who worships me like you
No one like you
So lonely before I finally found
What I've been looking for
[Together:]
Do-do-do-do, do-do-do-do-do-do Whoa oh, oh, oh Do-do-do-do, do-do-do-do-do-do Whoa oh, oh, oh

I'd also like to take the time to give a shout out to fake israeli accents, and songs that make no sense until you realize that they allude to the nickname of the singer. (L'gabay, Pruzbul, and Lipa's new one, "Rachamana Lipa Ba'ee")