Sukkos Primer

It's Here!

Well, that joyous time of year is finally upon us! After bowing on our faces countless times, starving through an entire day of prayer, and fighting through hordes of people saying Kiddush Levana with lots of kavana, it's time for the happiest of Jewish holidays, Sukkos!
There are a few great mitzvos that make Sukkos the one of a kind holiday that it is. Just to introduce them, I've prepared this handy guide for beginners, (ameratzim) that will, without judging or condescending, spoon feed you the basics.
The first mitzva that comes to mind on Sukkos, is of course, the Sukka. It's a small, leaky, hut, or "tabernacle" according to Soncino, that we build outside our houses, to ensure that the season will be rainy. "If you can't convince G-d, appeal to his sense of irony", is the logic behind many mitzvos and segulos.
Building the Sukka
There are many practical tips that will help you build your sukka and keep it standing for the entire holiday, as well as many interesting family customs that have sprung up over the years as many generations have endeavored to do this mitzva with their own unique flavor.
I recommend finding a bit of flat elevated ground, as close to your kitchen as possible. If you have a porch without a covering, that can be a great place to build it. Otherwise, a patio or a bit of flat grass will do just fine.
In my own family, we have the unique custom to begin building our steel-pipe-framed canvas sukka on our patio during Aseres Yemei Teshuva. We take stock of the various pieces, note what we need, and begin construction. Then, the day after Yom Kippur, we give up, and head to my in-laws for the holiday.
There are many different materials that can work for the walls of your sukka. According to the mishna, you can use anything at all, though later elucidation seems to preclude some materials, such as pork and canvas. Many people have used wood for generations, and it's still the most popular material.
Lately however, modern innovation has led to the development of pop-up sukkas, as well as easy to construct sukkas of other varieties.
Themes are making an entry now as well, with the Kotel-themed sukka, canvas printed with the iconic stones of the Wailing Wall, (For a small charge, you can hire an arab woman to collect tzedaka at the door); The Vegas themed sukka, with prints of the strip skyline and the motto of the Chabad Simchas Beis Hashoeva (What happens on Sukkos stays on Sukkos); and the Elvis themed Sukka, which plays the classic "Blue Suede Esrog Box" when you open the shlock.
Non-Jewish Reaction
Those of you who live in predominantly non-Jewish neighborhoods will understand how hard it can be to explain to your neighbors what you are doing as you build. One great idea is to simply explain that G-d is bringing a great flood on the world because of its many sins, and they had better repent, or face the risk of drowning. (Ha ha, just a little charedi humor)
Many kiruv professionals suggest that you simply explain to them in English what it is you are doing. I have tried this many times, and often, after I explain that I am building a Tabernacle, the gentile will pull out a knife and demand to be circumcised immediately.
The S'chach
For the roof of your sukka, you need to use something that grows from the ground, so any sort of tree, shoot or bush will be fine. Many jews have the custom of enhancing the beauty of their sukka by using the neighbors' corkscrew shaped shrubbery, though we suggest you ask their permission first, unless they are out of town.
Decorations
It is customary to decorate the Sukka in a beautiful manner. Traditionally this requires at the very least: A sign on the door that says "Welcome", hanging by one corner; Pictures of anonymous old men with long beards; and pictures of anonymous young men with long beards examining the four species. Which is a perfect segue to:

The Four Species: Coming Next!