Fantastic Four

Buying the Arba Minim

The time has come. You've put it off as long as possible, because you hope the price will go down, but also because, let's face it, you have no idea what to buy and how much it's worth. And since Sukkos is a time of thenks, this year you will be able to thank Hashem that Bitter was able to give you the scoop, allowing you to saunter into your local esrog dealer, banter like a pro, look condescendingly at other people's choices , and waltz out with a set that is the envy of the entire town.

Here's the trick: Just do it! Saunter, banter, condescend and waltz with confidence, and no one will ever know that you know nothing about the Arba Minim. Nobody has any clue, except the dealer, and on rare occasions, the rabbi, so it's all about the confidence you project.

In order to banter though, you will need to remember the word "bletel" for esrogim, "knepel" for lulavim, and "meshulash" for hadassim. You don't need to know what they mean.

But what about me? you're thinking. What about getting a good set at a good price that will actually accomplish what I set out to do, namely, fulfill the mitzva of Arba Minim?

Don't fret. I'll tell you all you need to know.

First of all, the length of your lulav must be at least 4 tefachim, or about 16 inches. There is no truth at all to the rumors about men with big lulavim, so find a size you feel comfortable with.

There is no such thing as a three hundred dollar esrog. What there are, are three hundred dollar customers. If you spend more than about $150, you're bound to end up with a lemon. If an esrog looks nice to you, and you cannot find any blemishes on it at all, even with the aid of the electron microscope that you were luckily able to borrow and bring along to the dealer, it may be worth purchasing. If you think there may be a blemish, bring it to a rov to check if it's red or larger than a penny.
Some brands to look for when buying an esrog: Chazon Ish, Kivelevitch, Badatz. Some brands to avoid: Murkav (especially Vadai or Zicher Murkav), and Big Jim's House of Shrimp and Esrogim.

Haddassim are supposed to have sets of three leaves, covering as much stem as possible. Thinking about the leaves on your haddassim too much is a common form of OCD in the charedi community.

Based on common practice, Aravos are kosher in any state of decay, as long as you think that they may once have been a species of plant.

Next year, there will be a bit of a twist in the Arba Minim field, because it is shemitta, the year of resting the land in Israel. In fact, there is a campaign on wherein the charedi community, through outreach and aid, encourages country Jews to honor the torah laws of shemitta, and not work, just like their city cousins.

This affects the esrog market, since the torah law also prohibits any commercial activity with the fruit of shemitta. That means two things:
1. In Israel, you'll be able to pick any esrog, free.
2. Anywhere else, you will not be able to buy an esrog.
This law is dealt with in a variety of ways. There are a few heterim, such as the "heter mechira" ('selling' the land for the year) which you better not mention to charedim. Other heterim including buying the lulav and having the esrog thrown in, trading the esrog for a player to be named later, and the fact that Big Jim is not Jewish and is allowed to buy and sell esrogim. (although he still needs a hechsher for the internet if he wants to send his kids to Tiferes Daniel.)

The last thing that's worth mentioning, though it doesn't deserve a post of its own, is that you needn't use a machzor on Sukkos. One of the best kept secrets in the machzor-publishing world is that there should really only be two, for Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur, but five "makes a much nicer set, and provides many dedication opportunities" according to an anonymous industry insider. Using a machzor on Sukkos marks you immediately as an out of towner at least, and likely the guy who used to bring catching gear to his softball games in fifth grade, and then strike out five times.